#sam absolves dean of any guilt from that

[keen-eye]

Penny

D: Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood, check. Being in cahoots with Ruby. Not telling me that you lost your soul. Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you're doing all kinds of crazy. Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices!

D: Look, man, I don't even remember what I said, but, uh –

S: But what? But you didn't mean it? Oh, please. You and I both know you didn't need that penny to say those things.

D: Come on, Sam.

S: Own up to your crap, Dean. I told you from the jump where I was coming from, why I didn't look for you. But you? You had secrets. You had Benny. And you got on your high and mighty, and you've been kicking me ever since you got back. But that's over. So move on, or I will.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

D: Your blood's supposed to be purified, isn't it? You ever, uh -- you ever done the "forgive me, father" before?

Well, I mean, I could give you suggestions if you want.

All right. Well, I'm just spit-balling here, but if I were you, uh... Ruby, killing Lilith, letting Lucifer out, losing your soul, not looking for me when I went to Purgatory, for starters. Or, hey, h-how about what you did to, uh, Penny Markle in the sixth grade? Why don't you lead with that?

S: Well, that was you.

D: Carry on.

S: You can barely do it with me. I mean, you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperone, remember?

D: Come on, man. That's not what I meant.

S: No, it's exactly what you meant. You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again.

D: You seriously think that? Because none of it -- none of it -- is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy...come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.

sam’s faults

purgatory

[monstermoviedean]

comparing sam's final scenes with john (14x13) and mary (14x17) with dean's final scenes with them. and it's not a competition. i don't want to frame it as a competition. i'm happy for sam. i'm also incredibly sad for dean. sam gets an apology from john and resolution for any resentment he still feels, and then he gets explicit affirmation and praise from mary. dean gets (mixed) pride from john and gratitude from mary, not for anything specific dean has done but for the time they get to spend together.

(transcript images under the cut because they're big)

sam and john, 14x13. sam gets to talk through his complicated feelings about john with john. john listens and apologizes. sam clearly feels some catharsis after this conversation.

dean and john, 14x13. john says he's incredibly proud, but there's a "but." a qualification. dean doesn't have the life john expected him to have. dean has failed to meet john's expectations. and while john isn't really criticizing him, he's not really praising him either. at best it's acceptance of dean's life. but that's not necessarily approval. it's certainly not an apology, and john doesn't take any responsibility for why dean's life is the way it is.

sam and mary, 14x17. again, sam gets to talk through some emotions. mary affirms sam made the right decision. she absolves him of guilt. she says he's a good man and she's proud of him.

dean and mary, 14x17. mary's concern for dean is also concern for jack and sam. and she starts to say she wishes there was something she could do...but there are things she could do. she's saying this out of feelings of guilt but it doesn't seem like she'll change. "i know how i am." and it seems like she's okay with that, for the most part. she says she's grateful for every day she gets to spend with dean and sam. there is nothing specific to dean.

i'm just. really sad about it. i want people to say nice things to dean. especially his parents. sam starts to say in 14x17 that dean always put sam first but he's dying and dean is trying to keep him alive, and who knows if sam will even remember it. it's something. but it's not the same.

[dreamytfw]

Dean's emotional abuse is so interesting because he literally doesn't know any better. Not in a "🥺 poor bby he's so hurt and lonely it's not his fault" kind of way. Cannot stress enough that is NOT what I'm doing here. He's still responsible for the things he says and does to others. A tragic past does not absolve people of the abuse they do to others.

What I'm talking about is how he basically had no models for any type of healthy relationship while growing up. You really think John "almost all of my former allies have threatened to kill me if they ever saw me again" Winchester taught that boy how to communicate and deal with his feelings in a healthy way?? Hell no. And we know that John kept a strangle-hold on Dean into his mid-20s (we learned that in the pilot). And he had, what? Just under 2 years away from John before he signed his own death warrant to save Sam's life? During which he was grieving the loss of his dad, trying to process his survivor's guilt, trying to deal with the mindfuck that is "btw your little brother? The one I told you to always look out for even if it meant putting yourself in danger? Well, he might be the antichrist and you may have to kill him kay thanx byeeee" John left him with, and trying to figure out what the hell Azazel was doing and how to kill him. And then, after he got back from Hell, dude was being Apocalypse edged for, like, 11 years straight.

He literally did not have the time, energy, or any sort of emotional capacity to learn that you don't show care for others by yelling at them, trying to control everything they do, and manipulating them into obedience. So while the things he does to Sam, Cas, and later Jack are bad, sometimes bordering on horrendous, that root of Dean genuinely not knowing that he shouldn't do that shit to people he cares about is a fascinating aspect of his motivations from a viewer's POV.

[scoobydoodean]

#people are really invested in making john the Absolute Worst instead of just letting him be a shitty dad via @swordofsun

Yeah this is what I meant much more succinctly.

And RE: something someone said where I think they were bemoaning my response to that initial addition about John... I don't think the context of the show absolves John of being a shitty dad actually. Just like the show's context doesn't absolve Sam or Dean or Cas of every bad thing they ever said or did just because it's the monster show, it also doesn't absolve John of being a shitty dad. There may be things he gets shit talked for that simply did not happen or he may be painted into a laughable caricature of himself frequently in fandom works, but it is a very well established fact in the show that he neglected his sons. That isn't something fans made up, and the ramifications of it are seen very plainly and clearly in Sam and Dean's lives into adulthood to the point they cannot be accurately analyzed without that context imo. This being the monster show actually didn't force John to be a neglectful Dad. He actually did have options that were not leaving his 9 year old alone in charge of another child. The circumstances of his life did not force him into that. His underlying issue at the core was that he refused to ever trust other people and that is the number one thing he would have had to do to make any of this work even remotely. And there WERE people he could have trusted, like Ellen and people she was connected to and Bobby and people he knew. But instead he burned bridges and isolated himself out of fear and guilt and his children paid the price. And while people do say things they regret because they aren't perfect, and John regretted what he said to Sam... instead of taking it back he let Sam believe he hated him for years and watched him from afar, because the stubborn refusal to admit he was wrong won and nothing about this being the monster killing show made him do that—in fact coming back and telling the truth and mending bridges would have set Sam up to be far better protected given John's motivation for preventing him from going to school was that he couldn't protect him there.

Anyway idk why this happened on a post that was about a very specific thing that happened on my blog a couple of months ago which no one has any context for anymore. But if tummy time post is real I wanna see it.

When you're on the monster killing show where there are monsters so you have a gun under your pillow

[autisticandroids]

just read a post that i do not agree with but didn't want to like jump on the op because that's rude and they don't need that in their life. anyway. the thing is, this is something consistent in spn: characters, especially dean, are written as having their actions "naturally" spring from their emotions without really any choice in the matter. so while, yes, it's bullshit to have dean apologize for like... getting angry, and certainly bad writing, the pattern of behavior he's apologizing for in the trap specifically - the pattern the divorce arc was about - was this:

1) dean experiences some great hurt

2) dean processes hurt into anger

3) dean picks someone close to him who he knows he can mistreat with minimal consequences, that is: sam, jack, or cas (in this case cas) to take that anger out on through cruelty, inventing a reason to blame them (in this case blaming cas for... not reporting the snake, when both dean and sam had seen signs of soullessness and ignored them, and when cas had good reason to fear for jack's safety if dean discovered he was soulless, since dean has always been a danger to jack and cas saw how dean treated soulless sam)

4) dean continues to be cruel and mean to this person until their relationship experiences a massive reset (the other character dies or leaves or blows up at dean, or in one case (the widower arc) the original hurt is undone)

now, dean and the narrative of spn are essentially positing steps 3 and 4 as natural extensions of step 2, meaning that step 2 is the problem. when in fact handling anger by picking someone who you know will just take it to be cruel to is a choice, as is continuing to do that long after the initial emotional meltdown, until you are forced to stop the behavior. in the case of the divorce arc, dean wasn't even forced to stop the behavior by cas leaving - he didn't apologize until he thought cas might be dead. and that cruelty is worth apologizing for, but by collapsing the cruelty into the anger, the writers can paint it as something that dean had no agency in, absolving him of most of the guilt of this behavior pattern. this is something that happens frequently with dean: he behaves badly and hurts someone else, and then instead of recognizing that as a negative behavior and a choice he made, both he and the narrative locate the problem in his identity: that he's an intrinsically bad person, that he has wrong emotions, etc. etc. etc. it's destructive to his self-esteem, but it's also a way to avoid ever developing him as a character, because this is supernatural and status quo is god. and in-universe, it's a way for him to avoid ever having to change

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

So I watched 10.09 recently, and it has that part where Dean tells a story about him basically being almost roofied as a teen, but somehow it ends up framed as the funny joke and yet another proof that John "did what he could", and I kind of hate this? And it's the same episode in which MoC!Dean killed guys that kidnapped and tried to rape Claire, and you'd think writers would've addressed the parallels and acknowledge that Dean could've been triggered by this situation. 1/2

2/2 But in the end, it's never addressed, and the whole situation is framed as the proof that Dean is evil now. And I'm not even sure what I am trying to say, but with that being the show's approach back in s10, I'm not surprised about the finale anymore. Guess we should've known?

That’s an excellent angle to look at the issue because the Mark of Cain arc is a clear example of how people with different experiences will see the same thing in wildly different ways. There’s this phase of season 10 where everyone is like “oh no Dean is Getting Worse” and when you look at what Dean is doing... you actually go “...good for him”.

Let’s give Caesar what belongs to Caesar. It’s not “the writers” in this case, it’s Dabb. Plenty of other writers don’t fall into this John apologism thing. Just look at how the episode before Lebanon, written by Buckner and Ross Leming, says that sometimes John would temporarily kick Dean out because he was “pissed at him” despite Dean always taking his side to mantain the peace. It almost seems like a statement to sprinkle some salt given what Dabb does in Lebanon, you know? Maybe not, but there is a tension between “John was shitty” writers and “John did his best” writers.

In hindsight, we gave Dabb too much of the benefit of the doubt. We were like, weeell, that’s supposed to be way the characters perceive the truth, which is distorted by the trauma... But now it’s obvious that he truly believed in the John-did-his-best version. He brought him back and got Mary back with him. No matter what happened to the finale, the network didn’t print those pictures of John and Mary to hang on Sam’s wall. He never took Dean’s abuse seriously and it shows.

The “anedocte” of Dean getting drugged and “saved” by John from being raped is obviously there to parallel him with Claire. Which works! It’s so weird because it’s like. You are soooo close to getting the point. Younger Dean was assaulted just like this teenage girl is assaulted and Dean saves her... but apparently John yelling at those people is a good way of dealing with the issue, while murdering child traffickers is an overraction thus bad.

That’s the problem, isn’t it? That Dean’s murder spree is framed as an overreaction. Sam is like “tell me you had to do this! tell me it was you or them!” - the answer to which (by the narrative) is obviously no, it wasn’t self defense, he just killed them because he could. He just murdered those men for no reason except he felt like being murdery. And the audience is supposed to be like “oh no! Dean is murdery for no reason except for murderiness! That’s bad!”.

But it’s a power fantasy, isn’t it? Going on a murder spree on rapists and traffickers. I bet any people who’s been violated like that has fantasized of doing the exact thing Dean does here. Killing them all.

Dean had the physical strength and skill to kill them all, why shouldn’t he kill them? (I mean, in real life I’m against private justice because I’m a fan of the state of law, but the Supernatural universe obviously works on different principles than the state of law. Again, it’s a fictional narrative that plays out as a fantasy for the audience, so.)

So what was Dabb’s intention? I’m afraid it’s the worst one. “John Winchester’s not going to win any Number One Dad awards, you know? But, you know, damn if he wasn’t there when we needed him”. What the fuck, Dabb? It’s been established since season 1 that John WASN’T there when they needed him. Which... I’m afraid... leads us to the Cas-Claire plot in the episode. Cas has fucked off with Jimmy’s body leaving Claire on her own. Parallels how John wasn’t going to win wny Number One Dad awards. But! Cas is there when Claire Really Needs Him i.e. when she’s about to be raped by older men. Parallels how John was there when Dean Really Needed Him i.e. when he was about to be raped by older men.

I think the point is to say, Cas kinda sucked because he took Claire’s dad away but hey! He’s actually a good figure for Claire because he gets there in time to prevent her from being raped. Just like (ew) John kinda sucked as a father because hunting and stuff, but hey! He’s actually a good figure for Dean because he got there in time to prevent him from being raped.

It’s pretty yucky. Literally NOBODY wanted a parallel between Cas and John. But he made one. And he made one to absolve Cas from the guilt he carried for what he did to Claire (Claire’s mother is a mother so who fucking cares about her. She’s basically a Blurry Wife(TM), she’s only a tool for Claire’s arc, Cas apparently only cares about the harm he did the child, not the wife, for some reason.) and to absolve Cas from his guilt it absolves John too. Don’t worry, being a parent is hard. You often screw up. But you can *looks at smudged writing on hand* prevent the kid from being raped by predatory adults and everything’s fine now.

It’s not really important if the child suffered hunger or whatever, the only important thing is that they don’t get raped, because that’s bad, everything else is just a little detail.

All Dabb got with that scene was to paint Sam as extremely unsympathetic because he’s no longer a child, he’s a full adult now and still thinks of that episode at the CBGB as a funny story. That’s not a good look. It almost makes you think that the writer himself saw it as a funny story. Lol teenage boy biting more than he can chew. But then why the Claire parallel? The Claire scene onviously is not supposed to be anything but horrific. I'll give Dabb the benefit of the doubt on this specific thing.

It’s weird, yes, because Dabb wrote Dark Side of the Moon where he establishes that John was a bad husband/father even before tragedy hit the family. But apparently that’s the “not going to win any Number One Dad awards” part, I suppose? I guess he intended to write John as this flawed, ~complex~ figure who was imperfect but still brave and whatever blah blah did his best blah blah. I’m all for flawed complicated characters but a horrible father is a horrible father. A rose by any other name... parental abuse is still parental abuse even if the poor guy was complicated and traumatized and did what he thought he had to do to prepare his sons for a violent world.

Also, the story frames Dean’s escapade as a teenager being stupid. “You know what he got for that? Me whining about how much he embarrassed me. Me telling him that I hated him. But then he stopped and turned around looked at me and said, Son, you don’t like me? That’s fine. It’s not my job to be liked.” “It’s my job to raise you right.” This seems straight from a novel about teenagers doing something stupid that they’re too young to realize that their parents are right to be against them doing. But this isn’t just... a parent walking into a bar to stop their child to drink alcohol. Dean literally describes feeling sick from something that was inside the alcohol.

Sure, it makes sense that he’d lash out to John because of the shame and shock. But the scene is... off. Are we supposed to see this as a typical teenage mistake? Are we supposed to read it as something as horrific as what happened to Claire, literally sold into rape? Or, worse, are we supposed to see what happened to Claire as a teenage mistake, ah silly teenager, blindly trusting shady people, no wonder you end up in a situation where you’d get raped if a father figure didn’t sweep in and save you. I hope that wasn’t the intent.

To get back to Dean’s Mark-of-Cain violence, the writers clearly didn’t intend it to come from the Darkness up to a certain point. It was supposed to an arc about your own inner darkness (consider the Charlie episode, a couple episodes later). Then they came up with the idea of The(TM) Darkness, the suppressed cosmic feminine. While it caused a bit of dissonance in the subtext, it doesn’t really change Dean’s narrative, because his inner darkness is the trauma, and his trauma is inherebtly tied to the “feminine” i.e. the parts of him that don’t fit seamlessly into the scheme of toxic masculinity values. That the violence that comes from the Mark of Cain comes from Dean himself and that’s it, or is connected to the Darkness, it doesn’t change what it means for Dean. Dean and Amara have parallel histories, the feminine principle locked away, the trauma the anger stems from.

In 10x09 we’re still in the Before The (TM) Darkness era, before the suppressed cosmic feminine. The Mark of Cain arc is still about... well, Cain. But the shift is the signal that someone looked at Dean’s arc and said... you know what? “Lucifer gave me this curse so now I’m demonic and murdery” is meh. “Toxic masculinity suppresses the feminine and it creates trauma which rage and violence comes from” is more interesting. I don’t know whose idea it was, but it was a good idea, and surely the idea came from seeing how Dean’s MoC narrative was unfolding.

Dean’s MoC narrative was unfolding in a certain way, in fact, because of a pretty simple reason. There’s a fundamental tension in Dean’s MoC arc. We want him to go murdery, but it’s also our main character, so we don’t want him to do really horrible things because he still needs to be relatable. The audience cannot hate him, so he must NOT do something entirely unforgivable. He still needs to be somewhat relatable, even when demonic or demonic-adjacent.

So he goes on a murder spree... but it’s rapists and child traffickers. He’s demon, but he kills a misogynistic dude that wanted his wife dead for cheating on him. He’s a demon, but beats up dudes that harass women. He does a slaughter, but they’re nazi. He’s off the deep end, but works a case of kidnapped and abused young women...

Speaking of which. 10x23, written by Jeremy Carver. Dean works a case where a girl was killed while dressed scantily and Dean makes some slut-shaming remarks, and we’re supposed to think “whoa Dean, that’s bad”. But later he confronts the girl’s father and what does he say?

I’m just doing my job, Mr. McKinley.

By suggesting my daughter was a slut?

I’ll admit that thought crossed my mind. Then I came here, and I smelled the deceit and the beatings and the shame that pervade this home.

You shut your face right now.

And you know what? I don’t blame Rose anymore. No wonder she put on that skank outfit and went out there looking for validation, right into the arms of the monster that killed her.

Back then the episode was super controversial and everyone hated the case because of the apparent slut-shaming but I loved it! Because it’s not about the girl. It’s about Dean. Dean doesn’t think that a girl gets killed because she dresses in a miniskirt so it’s her fault. Dean is projecting on himself and he’s not actually victim blaming the girl, he’s victim blaming himself. And when he absolves the girl by putting the blame on the father... well, subtextually he’s absolving himself by putting the blame on his father. On the deceit and the beatings and the shame that pervaded his own home. He’s textually not ready to absolve himself, of course, he summons Death to ask him to kill him later, but subtextually he’s on the right path.

Rose McKinley basically did the same mistake Dean did at the CBGB when he trusted some older people who offered him drinks and the same mistake Claire did when she trusted a man who sold her for money because he offered him a place and stability. She trusted the wrong people (in this case, vampires, which adds the whole subtext of vampires and sexuality) who took advantage of her. Except Rose had no one to save her. (Her friend, Crystal, gets rescued by Dean, even if he causes the other hunter Rudy to die in the process.)

Carver’s writing is pretty brutal. The girl made that mistake because was abused at home, so she was desperate for validation and that desperation drove her into the wrong hands. (Rose even has a brother who blames himself for bringing her sister to her future murderers, destructive sibling relationship check.) It doesn’t actually even matter if Dean guessed right about Rose’s family situation, because what matters is what it tells us about Dean. He basically relates to a dead abused girl. Actually all through the season Dean is paralleled to “skanks” “sluts” and sex workers. Obviously this happens kinda all through the show, the whole “the business is based on absent fathers” thing happened much earlier in the story, so it’s not new. But s10 draws a picture of female suffering - abuse, manipulation and death. Season 10 was difficult to go through. In hindsight, it was probably on purpose because it was supposed to be darkest hour of the feminine. Summed with some good old fashioned misogyny, but hey.

The Carver era was wonky but Carver wanted to free the feminine. (I believe that Mary’s comeback, while written by Dabb because of the showrunner shift, was planned before the showrunner shift.) We thought the Dabb era wanted the same, with Mary choosing life and Amara being independent and so on, but it evidently wasn’t the case. Not a single woman arrives at end of the story. It’s hardly ~Bucklemming or ~the network or ~covid because it starts before the very end.

I’m not saying that dead sluts are more feminist than living women, but if the women die or disappear anyway (and they did) I’d rather have an exploration of trauma than nothing. And I definitely prefer a dead slut narrative that calls out parental abuse than a narrative where women live but abuse gets the you-did-your-best treatment.

Whoops! I digressed! But feel free to ask for any clarification or send me any observation or thought.

[pocketfulofrogers]

Everything Comes Back to You

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: Dean can count on one hand the amount of weaknesses he has. Despite his every effort to keep his distance over the years in an effort to keep you safe, he find himself at your door a few too many times. Everything changes when it you who calls him.

Notes: My first supernatural piece! A story told through many years.

September 14, 1996

There were few things you despised more in this world than calculus. The lecture had drug on and on, monotone and continuous, until you felt like you could scream. A miracle of reprieve came when the door opened and in walked a boy who seemed to glide on charisma. He made some kind of offhand joke and flashed a smirk that had half the girls already in his palm.

For you, it was what you saw in his eyes that drew you to him. Something akin to the pieces you kept buried deep within you.

December 22, 1996

You’re sweet, unbelievably so. The way you taste, the way you sound, the way you feel. It’s so easy for Dean to bury himself in you, forget about everything that isn’t in this bed. You had been the solace he didn’t know he had been searching for- offering just a few moments of peace in this life he had no say in.

Most days he believes you may be the light that will save him, other days he believes it unfair to ask such a thing of you.

You nuzzle into his chest and his arms around you tighten. “What are you thinking about?” You ask.

Maybe it’s how tired he is, running between the motel to check on Sammy and darting straight back to the comforts of this bedroom that has him feeling so unnaturally mushy. You’d say it’s the Christmas spirit looming in the air, threatening to infect him with just a bit of joy.

You did love Christmas, and he loved you.

But love was not something he was allowed in this life - stability never something he’d known. Dean knew the drill all too well. The moment he allows himself to plant any semblance of roots, it’ll be time to load the Impala and disappear. Kansas may have been home once, but it isn’t home now.

Still, he couldn’t help himself when it came to you.

Sometimes his mind wonders to what his life could be if he were to just ask you to run away with him. Leave this little town and never look back. No more hunting, no more fighting, just wonderful, uncomplicated, boring life. Life with you.

He’s never met a hunter that’s successfully left the life, though. The longer you knew him, the higher the chances got for you to get caught in the crossfire and he’d never forgive himself if something were to happen to you.

You’re silently watching him, waiting for a response to a question he had already forgotten.

“I should go check on Sam.���

April 18, 2002

“You gave my address to who? Mom, just because someone says they knew me doesn’t mean you should tell them where I live! It doesn’t matter if he seemed like a ‘wonderful young man’ you know there are things out there.” You’re pacing in your living room now, tempted to grab your shotgun.

“Oh, Y/N, stop it with that nonsense. He had a photo of you and now he’s on his way.” Your mother dismisses you.

You groan and toss your head back. “Well hopefully you can describe what he looked like to the cops when they find me-“

Then a car pulls up, engine roaring and rock music blasting. You knew that car, you knew it well. Sneaking up to the window, you take a peek around the curtains and see the sleek black Impala. A man gets out, the leather jacket he’s wearing tickles a memory long buried.

It isn’t until you see his face that it settles in- butterflies swimming in deep rooted anger. The boy who left you with nothing but an aching hole and a postcard with no return address was all grown up and damn if he didn’t look good.

“Gotta go.” You hang up the phone.

When he knocks, you brace yourself- scrounge up all the will-power you have so you can kick him out. There will be no apologies or pleasantries. No sir. None. Not one.

But Dean’s always been one step ahead of you, so, he’s quick to start when you open the door- death glare only momentarily stalling him. “Listen, I know-“

“Get back in your car and go home.”

“Just hear me out for a minute.” He pleads.

You want to tell him to go, you really do, but one glance at those green eyes and every fiber of your being is pleading for you to just wait. Call it hope, call it weakness, call it a desperate need for some form of closure, you let him in.

Narrowing your eyes, you ask him, “Why are you here?”

“I wanted to see you.”

You hate how that almost settles your anger, how after all these years he still had some ridiculous hold on you. “How can you possibly believe I would want to see you after what you did? That kind of hurt doesn’t just disappear, Dean.”

“I know, I know. I’m also here to apologize. I should have said more-“

“More?” You interrupt exasperated. “Please tell me you did not come all this way to ask me to absolve you of your guilt.”

“That’s not-“

“Because you showed up on my doorstep, asked me to pack a bag and run away with you- leave my life and everything I’ve ever known to go who knows where with you. And then, when the sun rose in the morning, you were gone.”

“You hadn’t exactly been happy with me.” He tries to defend himself.

“Yeah, but you know what I did that night? I packed a stupid bag and waited for hours in front of that stupid diner. Waiting and waiting, but you never showed! You just left me! Know what I got out of it? A postcard from Topeka with a half assed ‘I’m sorry’ written on it.”

He falters under your gaze. “Y/N, I am sorry. I really am.”

“I just want to know why, Dean.” Your voice falls and he can no longer meet your eyes. “Come on, there are a million excuses. You couldn’t leave Sam, you couldn’t leave you dad, you didn’t actually love me. Just pick one so I can move on.”

“I did love you.” He bites back.

“Then what, you couldn’t leave the life?”

His eyebrows furrow as he takes a step closer and lowers his voice. “What do you mean?”

You sigh. “I was young but I wasn’t stupid. The family business wasn’t sales, Dean.” His eyes widen. “People started disappearing right before you and your family showed up. They stop disappearing and then all of a sudden, you’re gone. I had my suspicions, but it wasn’t until I met another hunter a few years later that I knew for sure.”

He makes his way into your living room and you want to ask what gave him the idea that you wanted him in your home.

“If you know about that side of this world, then how can you blame me for wanting to protect you from it?”

Of all of the reasons you had come up with as to why the boy you thought was the love of your life had left you high and dry, this wasn’t one. Had he truly loved you? Had he weighed his heart and your life to determine which he valued most? You can’t tell if that idea hurt more than the rest.

“Who were you to make that decision for me?”

“Who are you to expect me not to have?”

It’s quiet, uncomfortably so. Dean rakes his fingers through his hair and your arms tighten across your chest. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. None of it. He wasn’t supposed to have left you destroyed, calling out for him in the middle of the night. You were supposed to have moved on, supposed to have said goodbye to the boy with so much sadness in his eyes and so much love in his heart.

You never really do forget your first, though, do you?

He sighs, drawing your attention back to him, and pulls his gaze from the ceiling. “This isn’t what I came for.”

You tighten your arms across your chest and take a step closer, then another. “Do enlighten me, then. What are you really here for?” You’re dangerously close now, a breath away and Dean can barely think. “What is it you want?”

You look up at him and in a second he’s gone, just like that first day. It’s nostalgic and painful and warm all at once. How was it you still had this power over him?

“You.” He breathes out.

October 14, 2006

“Hey, uh, Fairmont? That’s close to Eudora, right?” Dean asks, trying so hard to seem casual.

Sam peaks around the bathroom door, noticing his brother has been ‘cleaning’ the same weapon for the last thirty minutes, and raises a brow. “Yeah, not too far.” Dean just hums. “What’s in Eudora?”

“Huh? Oh nothing, just thought a detour would be nice with everything going on.”

Sam spits his toothpaste into the sink. “Didn’t we spend a Christmas there?”

Dean stalls. “Well, you know, we moved around so much it’s hard to tell when we were anywhere, really. I couldn’t-“

“No, no, I’m sure we did. I had that English teacher that snored through Shakespeare.”

“Your memory is definitely better than mine, I couldn’t tell you much about-“

“And there was that girl, gosh, what was her name again?” Sam prompts his brother, already knowing the answer.

“There’s been so many girls, Sam, can’t expect me to remember all of their names.” Dean chuckles nervously.

The flop sweat on Dean’s forehead is almost reward enough, but hearing him sputter and flail was just too good for Sam to give up.

“She had the hair and the mom, liked Christmas.” Dean stutters again. “Oh right! Y/N! Aka the girl who’s name you say in your sleep on a weekly basis.” Now he’s red. “How long has it been man? If you could’ve made it work, you would’ve. What’d she say when you saw her last?”

Suddenly the floor is very interesting to Dean. “That I can’t keep coming in and out of her life.”

“That’s all the closure you’re going to get, Dean, take it.”

October 18, 2006

Work had been the worst. The only thing you wanted was a bubble bath and a huge glass of wine. The last thing you expected when you finally reached your driveway was Dean Winchester sitting on your porch, but of course, with the cluster fuck of today, this might as well happen.

You take a moment to collect yourself before stepping out of your car.

“Heard you took down a Rougarou in Tennessee. Thought you said you didn’t want a part of this life.” He raises a brow and you can’t tell if it’s an accusation or an ‘I told you so’ moment.

“Was there for business, it was just good timing. Guess you were right, though, can’t just sit by.” You shrug. He looks like he’s waiting for something, something you’re sure you can’t give him. “What are you doing here?” You ask, sounding more tired than upset.

“I know, I’m sorry. But we had a case nearby and Sammy told me no, but next thing I know I’m in my car and then I’m here. Really, it’s your fault. Should’ve moved.”

You snort. “And you wouldn’t have found me?” He only shrugs. “What is it you want, Dean?”

“A friend?”

“You drove all the way out here for a friend?”

“Guess you could say I’m in short supply.”

You look him up and down, noticing the bags beneath his eyes and something in you aches for him. Of course, you had heard about the passing of John, that may be the very reason he’s here, but knowing Dean, it’s not a subject he wants to touch.

Ten years later and you can still read him.

“Fine, but don’t ask me to run away with you.” You tease. “Twice is enough for this lifetime.”

June 16, 2013

Dean is in the middle of another argument with Sam trying to defend the importance of bacon when his phone rings. Sam’s dramatic sigh of relief earns an eye roll from his brother.

“Dean Winchester.” He answers, but he can’t hear anything on the other end. “Hello?” He tries again and this time he makes out heavy breathing. “Who is this?”

“Dean.” His name barely slips from your lips and to his ears before you groan.

He leans forward quick enough to earn concern from Sam. “Where are you?”

“Sound stressed.” You chuckle before sputtering.

“Y/N, tell me where are you.” His voice is the kind of calm that would usually send ice through your veins, but right now you were struggling just to keep your eyes open.

“Not sure.” Your speech is slurred and the panic Sam sees in his brother’s eyes drives his fingers faster as he works on a trace.

“How bad is it?”

“You should see the other guy.”

“Dammit, Y/N, not the time. Where are you hurt?”

“Broken ribs, I think. This gash in my side seems a little alarming.” You squint down at it trying to determine if your blurry vision was a result of the gapping wound or the nice blow to the head you took. “Objectively, all very bad.” You mumble.

Dean is over Sam’s shoulder now and if he hadn’t looked as terrified as he did right now, Sam would be making a less than funny comment about it.

“Were you on a hunt?” His voice is still cool, but he begins to waiver when he has to strain to hear your confirmation. “Is it still after you?” He has to press the question two more times before he gets a response, by then he’s already started the Impala.

“Finished him ‘for he finished me.”

“Y/N, were on our way.” Dean grits out. “You just hold on a little longer and we’ll get you all patched up.”

You barely manage to hum response before everything begins to fade out, Dean yelling your name in the background.

June 17, 2013

They had only barely made it in time. Dean had come sliding to your side, bandages already in hand. He spoke softly to you, a drastic contradiction to the frantic shake of his hands.

Sam had never seen his brother like this before.

“Dean, I don’t think…”

“No! Just,” Dean tossed the keys to Sam and slipped his arms beneath your limp body. “Get us to the nearest hospital.”

He sat in the back seat with you holding as much pressure against the flaps of skin as he could, still talking so softly to you. Sam’s heart ached as he heard his brother beg you not to leave him and make promises they both know he can’t keep.

When he could no longer feel you breathing, his eyes shot up to the review mirror and Sam slammed on the gas.

Squealing into the ambulance drop off, Sam began to yell for help as he pulled open the back seat door. Dean was frozen, all of the color drained from his face.

Emotion cut off from his voice, he had barely managed a whisper. “I think she’s gone.”

From there, he had spent the last six hours trying to force himself to come to terms with the fact that he had lost one of the only good things in his life. Sitting there in some criminally uncomfortable waiting room chair with his head in his hands.

All he could see was you. You twirling around in a bright sundress with the Kansas sunset kissing your skin. Your eyes closed- lips parted slightly as you slept soundly. You angry, red in the face accusing him of using you as some kind of sick tie to a simpler time.

Was that all she was to him? No, he shakes his head at just the thought of it. To him you were the only thing that made sense. A singular constant that he felt like his whole being revolved around.

But he had never told you.

Finally, by 5am he had almost convinced himself that he would be fine.

So, when the doctor comes out with blood speckling the bottom of his scrubs, he wants to shut down, but he needs to know.

“Just give it to us straight, doc.”

“She’s alive.” He says. “The surgery was tough and she gave us quite a scare, but she is alive.”

His knees almost give out from beneath him.

June 20, 2013

Everything hurts. Your side, your chest, your head, your skin. The gentle breeze from the vent above you is what pulls you out of the darkness. The harsh fluorescent lights are almost enough to send you right back to the comfort of the dark, but a shifting pressure at your thigh piques your interest.

Slowly, trying not to groan despite every muscle in your body screaming, you look to your left. Dean’s arm is draped lightly across the tops of your thighs, his hand curling in at your hip. For a moment you do nothing but watch him sleep, his eyes fluttering behind his eyelids every so often.

He looks like shit.

Dark, sunken bags have built up beneath his eyes and it looks like he hasn’t shaved in days. A part of you feels flattered imagining the fuss he had to have made to not only get you here, but to stay here himself.

Without thinking, you begin to move your hand to caress his cheek. Your fingers trace the lines of his now furrowed brow before you thread them through his hair. The movement hurts, but it’s worth it.

Especially when you’re rewarded with a lovely green as his eyes slowly open. For a moment you think there may be no yelling or ‘are you out of your mind’ speeches when a smile begins to slowly light up his face. And then, as if he’s suddenly remembered what has happened, his smile shuts down into a scowl.

“You almost died.” He hisses lowly.

“Almost.” You echo and try to cough out a laugh, but it devolves into a groan. His alarm doesn’t disappear when you try to wave him off. “I’m fine now, so why don’t you go shower or something? You smell.”

“So you can try to slip out?” He narrows his eyes at you. “Not happening.”

“You’re usually the one that slips out.” You mutter, but he doesn’t hear you. “You can’t kidnap me, Dean.”

“The hell I can’t.”

June 23, 2013

“Bedroom here, bathroom down there. Sam and I are here… and here.” Dean’s pointing to doors as you struggle to hobble behind him on his tour of the bunker. When he stops, you almost run into his back. “Sammy went to grab some stuff from your house, but it looks like you don’t live there anymore.” He only raises a brow when you advert your gaze.

Instead of responding, you turn around to point at a door a couple down. “Mine? Sounds good.” You scurry as quickly as you can into the room, but Dean catches the edge of the door before you can shut it.

“You’re not going to explain yourself?”

You laugh bitterly. “Explain myself? Are you kidding me? I don’t answer to you, Dean.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” You want to turn away from him, but he’s holding your gaze too intensely. “What’s going on with you? You’re living out of cheap hotels and hunting on your own now?”

“Oh, that’s rich coming from you.”

“Y/N, cut the shit. It’s just you and me here. Have you even told your mom what happened?”

And it’s this comment, this sincere question that takes the final piece of your resistance from him. He watches as the tense set of your shoulders fall and your face relaxes. The malice and resentment slips from your features and it’s a relief.

“She’s dead.” You barely manage to whisper. “Vetala. Didn’t know they worked in pairs. Her husband found her tied up in the kitchen three years ago.”

He’s stunned. It’s probably the only thing you could have said that would steal his fire in an instant. He knew that kind of pain, that kind of drive. He knew it too well. You sniffle before quickly wiping your eyes and his face falls imagining the pain you’re feeling.

To his surprise, the moment is gone as quick as it started when he watches you swallow down your emotions and rebuild that wall in almost an instant.

“Don’t worry, I know you’re not one to be domestic. I’ll be out of your hair the second the doctors clear me.”

It stings. “Just like that?” He asks, not caring this time if you hear the hurt in his voice.

“Why would I stay? You make it clear what you want each time you stop by my house for a quicky and then slip out without a word.” The stunned look on his face is infuriating. “I get it, Dean. It’s convenience and consistency. Not love.”

“Not love?” He repeats your judgement, rolling the word around his tongue and he has to admit he hates the taste. He repeats it again, louder this time and it startles you. “Y/N I gave up everything I ever wanted that night I left you at the diner because I love you. I have tried and tried to stay as far away from you to keep you safe because I love you. I show up on your doorstep in moments of selfish cowardice because I can’t stay away! Almost my whole life I have been drawn to you time and time again and I know it hurts you. It kills me to hurt you, but I can’t stop because I love you.”

Dean’s chest is heaving, his breath falling across your face with how close he is to you now. “You love me.” He has to strain to hear you, but you need the clarification. Love or loved?

“When I saw you laying on the ground, bleeding out, I wished it was me instead. But when I held you in my arms and you…” His voice breaks and his eyes water. “And you stopped breathing…”

Before you know what you’re doing, you have your hands cradling either side of his facing, soothingly hushing him.

“Dean.” You murmur. “I’m okay, you saved me.”

“Stay.” The word bursts through his lips without his control. “Please, just stay.”

A single tear falls from your eyes as you nod knowing that the idea of a place called home had changed over the years, but this, him- he had always remained.

[raspberry-starship]

Start reading the series here.

Masterlist for this book is here.

Read by scrolling up the tag here.

They didn’t have a body to burn. Jack was gone and they had nothing left of him to say goodbye to. In Hell, Cas had gathered up his energy and smited Belphegor, destroying the vessel along with the arch-demon. The process had left the angel exhausted and weak. He barely spoke to any of them.

Pai, having proved his usefulness enough, was set free without being hurt. He gave Ren one last wink and then disappeared before their eyes.

“Well, letting him go is probably gonna come back to bite us in the ass.” Dean grumbled after.

There was no discussion as to next steps. Cas healed Sam’s broken arm without much effort but everyone could see he was wearing at the edges. He couldn’t heal the bullet wound from the Equalizer, though. With that out of the way, they all separated into the woods around the Bunker to gather wood.

An hour passed and they all returned to each other with the wood they’d gathered. It wasn’t enough, so they went out again. Even if there was no body, they were going to build a bonfire big enough for one.

When the flames licked up at the sky, they all stood in a silent line, watching. Slowly, Sadie laced her fingers through Sam’s, her other arm securely around Ian. A tear slipped out of Sam’s eye. Cas and Ren stood beside one another, staring at the flame with unreadable expressions. She had her sketchbook clutched against her chest, the orange light flickering across her furrowed features. Dean stood impassively between both groups, eyes locked on the bonfire.

After a couple minutes, Sadie detangled herself from Sam and Ian. With a sniffle and a wipe of the nose, she spoke.

“Does, uh,” She swallowed, “does anyone want to say anything?”

No one answered.

“Cas?” She asked softly, staring across Ian and Ren’s heads to the angel.

He blinked, as though pulled from a daze, and turned to look at her. Dean glanced up at that moment, meeting his eye instead. Cas and Dean starred at each other for a moment, then Cas’s face hardened.

“No.” Cas turned back to the fire.

Sadie blinked in surprise and then turned to Sam. He heaved a shaky sigh and gave a nod. With a squeeze to her hand he spoke up.

“Jack, uh,” Sam swallowed, “…we’re gonna miss you, buddy.”

Sadie lay her head against his shoulder, one hand holding Ian’s while the other held Sam’s. Who was it for, them or her? She didn’t know.

“You didn’t…” Sam sniffed and rolled his eyes in annoyance at it before continuing, “…you didn’t deserve this.”

There was another long pause where they all watched the fire.

“I’m sorry.” Sam finished softly, staring into the flame as though it might absolve him of the guilt he felt. Somewhere, he knew it wouldn’t.

They all filed back into the Bunker silently after the fire had burned down. Except for Ren. Ren stayed out and went to her rock and no one tried to stop her. Thousands of stars hung above her head that night. Each one dotted across the sky made her think about Jack.

Inside the Bunker, Sam was sitting on Sadie’s side of the bed, facing the wall in silence. His over shirt was unbuttoned and his hands hung limply between his knees. There was a knock on the ajar door behind him. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Dean standing there.

“Hey.” He faced forwards again as Dean walked in to lean against Sam’s desk.

“How’re you holding up?” Dean asked.

Sam thought for a long moment then changed the subject. “How’s Ian?” He knew Dean would have the latest on the youngest Eldredge.

“He’s, uh, as good as can be expected, I guess.” Dean replied, understanding that Sam didn’t want to talk about himself. “He’s downstairs with Phillip.”

Sam nodded silently, almost to himself.

“Sam,” Dean began, “we did it, though.”

Sam released a sigh through his nose.

“God threw one last apocalypse at us and we won.”

Sam thought for a moment then nodded again, resigned, “Yeah.”

There was a long pause.

“What you did…” Dean started slowly, “…with Rowena…”

Sam winced and turned his head away.

“…You didn’t have a choice.”

There was another long pause and Sam nodded, still not looking at Dean.

“I know.”

Dean stared at Sam for a long moment, wondering what was going on in his younger brother’s head. Then there was a gentle knock on the door. Sam didn’t look up this time. Dean turned to see Sadie there, already in her pajamas.

“Sorry, d’you guys need a minute?” She asked, clearly exhausted.

“Uh, no, no,” Dean cleared his throat and straightened, walking towards her, “we’re good, you get some rest, Scraps.”

She smiled weakly as he patted her shoulder and passed, then it was just her and Sam. She stayed still for a long couple seconds, watching him. He hunched forwards onto his knees and a shudder ran through him—she could see it from the doorway.

Sam sniffled and lifted his head when Sadie appeared in front of him. She took both of his hands in hers and guided them off of his knees. Without a word, she slipped into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. She nuzzled into his shoulder, settling in. His arms slid around her, pulling her closer.

For a long time they just stayed like that, holding each other as he softly cried into her shoulder. After a while she coaxed him into getting ready for bed, which he did in silence. All that he could think about was getting back into her arms. Tonight, she shared her weighted blanket with him.

In the library, Dean poured himself a glass of whiskey. He didn’t ask anyone to join him this time. He was celebrating, right? They’d lived another day, defeated another evil, and saved the world, potentially. But he took that celebratory sip and had a sour taste in his mouth. He didn’t feel victorious. He felt defeated.

And then Cas appeared at the top of the library steps.

Dean’s face hardened.

Cas swallowed, “How’s Sam?”

Dean set his glass down on one of the tables and leaned against the end of it. “Not great.” He replied matter-of-factly.

Cas glanced at the ground in shame and nodded vaguely. “I’m… sorry about Rowena.”

Dean’s brows rose. “You’re sorry.”

Cas knew what was coming.

“Why didn’t you just stick to the damn plan?” Dean asked.

“Belphegor was lying.”

“Belphegor was a demon.”

“He was using us. He wanted to free his siblings and eat every last soul to take over Hell, Earth, and every—”

“—Yeah, and we would’ve figured it out! After!” Dean snapped, “With Rowena.”

Cas swallowed again. “The plan changed, Dean.”

“And what you were just gonna leave Sadie to deal with all the demons while you went after the one?” Dean asked.

“Something went wrong.” Cas insisted, “You know this. Something always goes wrong.”

“Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?”

They stared at each other for a long moment then, almost waiting to see who would make the first move after that killing blow. Cas pulled away first, glancing down at the floor.

“You used to trust me,” He said slowly, “and give me the benefit of the doubt.”

He looked up and Dean turned his head away pointedly to take another sip of his whiskey.

“Now you can barely look at me.” Cas continued softly.

Dean set the glass back down, still not looking at Cas.

“My powers are failing, and…” Cas sighed softly, “and I’ve tried to talk to you and you just don’t want to hear it. You don’t care. I’m… dead to you.”

Dean finally looked up into Cas’s eyes, an unwavering, stoney expression on his face.

“You still blame me for Mary.” Cas said.

Dean didn’t say anything but it was clear that Cas was right. Cas nodded with a resigned manner to himself.

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything left to say.”

With that, he turned, moving towards the war room. Dean’s hands gripped the edge of the table on either side of his hips.

“Where’re you going?” He asked gruffly.

Cas stopped and didn’t turn to face him, just spoke over his shoulder. “Jack’s dead. Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other.”

Dean’s heart began beating just a tick faster as he realized what was happening.

“I think it’s time for me to move on.” Cas finished.

Dean didn’t utter a word to stop him, just watched until the trench coat disappeared out the front hatch. And then he took another sip of his whiskey. It tasted even more bitter than before.

Cas broke out into the evening air and immediately came face-to-face with Ren. She shuffled to a halt a little ways away from him and then carefully walked forwards, her sketchbook still clutched to her chest.

“Hello, Cas.” She said, her eyes bloodshot and cheeks pallid under the moonlight.

“Hello, Ren.” He replied sadly, seeing how miserable she was.

“Are you going somewhere?” She asked carefully, though the both of them already knew he was. Ren wasn’t blind—she’d seen the way Dean had been treating Cas.

Cas sighed, “I’m going away.”

“Wha—why?” She asked, though she already could guess the answer.

“It’s complicated, Ren.” Cas said, “I can’t really explain it.”

“Oh. Okay.” She nodded, looking at the ground. They were silent for a moment then she reached inside her sketchbook and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “I was going to give this to you.”

She held it out with an unsure hand, worried he would politely decline her gift. He did not, of course, just took the paper and unfolded it. It was a drawing of Jack—just a bust of him smiling. Ren watched Cas’s face for a reaction, noticing a slight softening of his features.

“Thank you, Ren.” He said finally, looking up at her.

She nodded. “I’ll miss you, Castiel.”

Cas swallowed a bit of guilt and nodded. “I’ll, uh, miss you too, Renna.”

She thought for a moment then carefully asked, “Can I give you a hug goodbye, at least?”

Cas considered it for a moment then nodded. “Of course.”

He opened his arms and she hugged his middle. A bit awkwardly, he patted her back and the top of her head. She smiled a little at his oddness and pulled away.

“Goodbye, Cas.”

“Goodbye, Ren.”

* * *

The rest of the night was quiet. Everyone had retreated to their corners and mostly all of them were asleep. Except Ren. She woke up at four in the morning to silence. Nothing in particular had awoken her, except for a realization she’d come to in her sleep—she knew what she had to do now. She got up out of bed when the clock struck five, having made up her mind.

For an hour or so, she moved around her room, tucking things into her duffle bag and knapsack. She had made a life here, though, and now it could not all fit into those two bags. A couple months ago they’d gone on a case to New Haven again, and had decided to stop by to grab some of her things from her aunt’s house. It had gone as well as can be expected, however, the trip had ended up being one that Ren remembered with fondness. But that was a memory for a different day.

She shouldered her duffle and walked to the garage where she pulled out her sketchbook. She considered for a moment, then decided to go outside, where she ripped a page out and put it on the ground. Taking a deep breath, she reached forwards and touched a line in the drawing. Indigo light shown on her face and she took a step back as the paper folded up on itself and then un-crumpled to form a little gray Prius, just like the one her dad used to drive. She set her bags down in the passenger seat.

Ren knew that what she was doing would hurt Sam, Sadie, and Ian. She didn’t want to hurt them but she couldn’t be here anymore—she had to go. This time, though, she wasn’t just leaving a note.

Ian was cooking breakfast that morning, Dean sitting at the table drinking coffee. There was movement at the side door to the kitchen and Dean turned to find Ren there. She paused, hovering for a moment before taking a step in.

“I’m leaving.” She stated.

Ian dropped the spatula he was holding in surprise, turning to look at her desperately. She couldn’t meet his gaze.

“Oh, and where d’you think you’re going?” Dean asked, sitting back in his chair.

She narrowed her eyes at his condescending tone. “Away from you.”

“Ren—” Ian began in an attempt to stop this confrontation, but it was too late.

“—And what did I do to you, exactly?” Dean asked.

“You killed Jack!” She snapped suddenly.

“Ren!” Ian rushed to turn the stove off before the eggs he was cooking got burned.

“I didn’t kill Jack.” Dean stood from his chair.

“You might as well have!” Ren insisted, “And then the way you were treating Cas—after he’s just lost his son!”

“It’s none of your damn business what happens between me and Cas.” Dean replied, “Now stop making a scene and go back to your room and sulk if that’s what you want to do.”

“Dean!” Ian scolded, tossing the eggs onto a plate quickly.

“Fuck you!” Ren shouted, “You’re such a—”

“—What?” Dean interrupted forcefully, “An asshole? Get used to it, sweetheart.”

“This is why I’m leaving.” Ren snapped.

“Like hell, you’re leaving.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“Dean,” Ian turned to face them, “do not say what you’re about to—”

“—You stay outta it, Ian!” Dean barked, making Ian flinch a little. Dean swallowed the guilt that came along with seeing that and faced Ren again. “Where’re you gonna go, huh?”

Sam took that moment to wander in through the other door, his tablet in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other.

“You’ve got nowhere else to go, Ren.” Dean taunted.

“Shut up.” She gritted out between her teeth.

Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes, and in the lull, Sam tried to step in.

“Guys, what’s—?”

“—I can’t take it anymore!” Ren cried, turning to Sam and pointing at Dean. “I can’t live under the same roof as the guy who was gonna kill my best friend!”

“I didn’t!” Dean shouted angrily, “Chuck played me!”

“And why did you let him?!” Ren snapped, “Huh?! Why can’t you do anything but act on your anger?!”

“You shut up!” Dean barked back, “You have no clue what—”

“—I have way more of a clue than you think!”

“Oh yeah, and what’s that supposed to mean?!”

“That I can’t look up to you anymore!”

Dead silence filled the room after that. Dean was taken aback, unsure of how to respond. Ren’s eyes brimmed with tears, unable to tear themselves away from Dean’s.

“You—you’re supposed to be smarter and stronger than me, but you’re not.” Ren sniffled, “You just act like you know everything and you don’t.”

“Ren—” Sam tried but was ignored.

“—And you were wrong.” She said to Dean, asking softly, “How could you have gotten it so wrong?”

Dean’s face hardened. “Just go.”

“What?! Dean—!” Sam protested.

“—Just go!” Dean roared over his brother.

“Fuck you, don’t try to take control of this situation.” Ren said, tears streaming down her face, “I’m the one leaving you. You’re not letting me go anywhere.”

“Well if you’re leaving then you’d better get to it before this all gets old.” Dean replied emotionlessly.

Ren sniffled and turned away from him. She walked over to Ian silently and pulled him into a hug. He accepted gratefully, a deep look of worry on his face.

“Goodbye, beanpole.” Ren said into his sweater.

“B—bye, Ren.” Ian stumbled over his words as she pulled away.

She went to Sam next, hugging him silently. When they pulled apart he spoke.

“Please,” He said softly, “please don’t go, Ren.”

“Just let ‘er go, Sammy.” Dean said dismissively, taking a sip of his coffee, “If she wants out then she can go pretend to act like an adult for a change.”

“Screw you!” Ren shouted.

“Yeah, screw you, too, Ren!” Dean yelled back.

“Enough!” Sam bellowed over both of them.

Ren turned back to Sam, quietly saying, “I’m sorry, Sam, I just can’t.”

With that, she turned and sped out of the kitchen the way she’d come. When she got into the hallway, she saw Sadie standing there in her pajamas and bathrobe. By the expression on her face, Ren could tell she’d overheard some of what had been said. Without a word, Sadie opened her arms. Ren rushed forwards and crashed into Sadie, sobbing into the taller woman’s shoulder.

“Shh…” Sadie soothed, running a hand over Ren’s hair, “it’s okay. It’s all gonna be okay.”

Ren shook her head stubbornly, sobbing harder.

Sam appeared in the doorway behind Ren, looking a little relieved when he found her out there with Sadie. Sadie, however, knew that there was no talking Ren out of what she was doing—the expression on her face said that much.

When the tears began to subside a little, Sadie pulled them apart and leaned down to get into Ren’s line of sight.

“You’re gonna call me when you can, alright?”

Ren swallowed and nodded.

“Tell me when you’re somewhere safe and you keep in touch.” Sadie commanded, “Or else me and Sam are gonna come find you.”

Ren swallowed again. “I understand.”

Sadie straightened away from her and then stepped aside. Ren stared up at her for a moment, then began walking quickly towards the garage, as if she thought one of them might change their minds and try to stop her. Sam rushed forwards, but a call out to her died on his lips when Sadie raised a hand to his chest to stop him.

“We gotta…” Sadie sniffed, “…we gotta let her go.”

His shoulders slumped and they watched as Ren disappeared around the corner.

[mattzerella-sticks]

As much as a 'not a fan' I am about having the ending be both boys in Heaven, you know what they could have done if that was still the intended end goal?

Have one of them die when they're older.

Maybe Dean and Sam are semi-retired, but still go on the occasional hunt. Each of them are filling different functions Bobby used to, with Sam (and Eileen, providing research the patriarch and matriarch of a new MoL) meanwhile Dean will provide cover stories and point hunters towards hunts, although Sam finds hunts, too.

One day Sam finds a hunt and sends it Dean's way, saying they should do it. Yadda yadda yadda it ends with Dean dying, and in Dean's dying breath he absolved Sam of any guilt saying he lived a longer life than he ever thought and while this sucks, at least he had x amount of years to live by his own terms (let's say 20-something, since I bet Bobby was still hunting in his sixties)

And Dean still goes to Heaven, and he meets up with all his old family who've passed. Sam feels guilty, still (because of course Dean couldn't absolve all his guilt) but with Eileen and the rest of his family he finds the strength to keep fighting until his last breath of old age.

The beauty of this, too, is we can still have angel Cas. Whether in a relationship with Dean after Jack frees him from the Empty, or waiting up in Heaven for Dean to finally meet up with him and confess. Personally, I would like the former. Especially as it lends itself to Dean "not having any regrets". Dean meets up with Cas who is staying up in Heaven full-time since his passing and sees what he and Jack have done "So this is what you were doing when you said you were coming up to visit?" "I wanted to give you a truly wondrous afterlife, Dean." "I love you too, Cas." (Like, seriously, doing this can also circumvent why Cas wouldn't just bring Dean back to life even though he could - he knew Dean would pass in peace). Maybe there's a fight between Sam and Cas at Dean's funeral, Sam begging Cas to bring him back but Cas telling Sam that Dean has accepted his death and he should, too.

Then Sam makes it up to Heaven, whether Eileen passed earlier or not is up to whatever, but he appears by the Impala in front of the Roadhouse. Music is playing, and it sounds like Kansas, the band. Post-covid, Dean comes out followed by Cas and says they've been waiting for him, come on in and they can catch up. Pre-covid Sam walks in and we get a pan shot of all the dead characters we've lost along the way (and Kansas, don't forget Kansas!) And Dean is sitting beside Cas in the center of the room when he catches sight of Sam and his face lights up "You just gonna stand there for all of eternity or what?" Sam laughs and we get a backwards shot of him entering and the door swinging behind him both times. It's important we end outside the Roadhouse because then we get the drone pan up where we can see the Roadhouse, Baby, and a scattered set of houses around and -

Honestly, I've come up with at least ten different ways they could have fixed the finale. I know other people have given their two cents, too, and I doubt there won't be more. It's just... baffling, that we can do these and to this extent. That we can fulfill emotional beats left 'open', or improve upon those same beats they were insistent be included in the finale. Like it's not a joke that the series finale was a culmination of bad decisions and lazy writing under the guise of 'covid restrictions' and 'leaving it up to us to interpret'...

It all comes down to that freakin' nail!

[hannah-deserved-better]

Sam questions. Made by @gaysuperhell , tagged by @bluephoenixrises

-Sibling status (younger, middle, older, only child...): I’m the oldest, I have a brother and two sisters.

-How long have you been stanning for: I first started watching spn around season 11 or so so I haven’t been into it forever. At first, I was attracted to the brotherly love between Dean and Sam, especially because I had come from the Hobbit fandom where I loved the brotherly love between Fili and Kili, and then I fell in love with Castiel and Hannah.

Favorite spn season, but if the only criteria was Sam’s hair: For Sam’s hair? probably 6-8? I like guys with long hair, I always have.

-Favorite Sam-centric episode: Hmm I’ll let you know after my rewatch, but I like episodes where Sam and Dean work together.

-Favorite Sam era: s6-s8

-Favorite song you would/have put in a Sam playlist: Hmm problem is that I don’t really listen to modern music. I feel like Sam is probably an REO Speedwagon fan.

-Any ships you may like to mention: Well I am a hanstiel shipper, but for Sam centric ships, I like Saileen the best. I also like sastiel and maybe a little sabriel.

-If you could steal one thing from Sam’s wardrobe, it would be: All his plaids

-You must have some intense headcanons you need to talk about, tell me one Sam hc that drives you insane: Sam is really into ethnic cuisine, especially Indian food. He loves dosas, but he rarely gets a chance since they rarely go to any major cities where there would be a lot of diversity. Sam also has an interest in history and archaeology and took a few anthropology classes at Stanford.

- Complete the sentence: If Sam cishet, then WHY....: Well... everyone is bi until proven otherwise as far as I am concerned. So yeah, Sam is bi.

-Favorite unhinged Sam moment: I think in season 5 or so? When he told Dean to treat him like an adult.

-Tell me something about the hbo Sam that lives in your brain: Hmm well I am demisexual and I’m not really into HBO or smut so if that’s what this question is getting at, I can’t help. I just don’t really think about characters sex lives very much.

- Biggest injustice Supernatural commited against Sam (be as brief or as ranty as you desire): Uh, the fact that he has made mistakes but the show keeps on throwing it in his face, never feeling like he’s completely redeemed himself and then the show goes out of its way to ALWAYS absolve Dean of all guilt and wrongdoing on his own mistakes. (I’m keeping @bluephoenixrises ‘s answer cuz I kinda agree)

- Oh no, the writers forgot to give Jess a personality! Now it’s up to you. Tell me, what was Jess like: I think she was smart, independent, and well traveled. Sam may have traveled all over the country, but he’s always wanted to  see the rest of the world and he and Jess bonded over her telling him about all the fascinating places she’s been. She is into solo trips but when she died, they were planning their first trip together, to Iceland.

-And finally, just say something about him that makes you smile ♥: that he’s open minded, likes to try new things, is compassionate towards others, sensitive, and you know, he treats Castiel like he deserves to be treated.

That was a lot of fun, I encourage anyone interested to do this simply because Sam deserves all the love in the world!

But I will tag @loverofdemoncorns, @sastiel-daily, @casa-neurotica, @rodiniaorzetalthepenquin, @thequeenofsastiel

[samclownchester]

Supernatural Rewatch 01x14

Nightmare

(Next Episode | Masterlist | Previous Episode)

(Not Spoiler Free, I’ve seen up to 15x13) 

Alright, it’s taken me a while to write my summary of this episode because it deals with some pretty heavy stuff, and I’m not sure if it deals with it very well. There are people who are much more knowledgeable about this subject than I am who have written really good essays on The Winchesters and abuse, so I’ll leave that to them. I’m just going to try and talk about what we learn specifically from this episode:

I’m going to start at the end, when Sam and Dean are walking away from the home of an abused kid who just committed suicide in front of them and they say:

SAM: Well I'll tell you one thing. We're lucky we had Dad.

DEAN: (Looking astounded and pleased) Well, I never thought I'd hear you say that.

SAM: Well, it could’ve gone a whole other way after Mom. A little more tequila and a little less demon hunting and we would’ve had Max's childhood. All things considered, we turned out ok. Thanks to him.

DEAN: All things considered.

This is an argument used very often throughout the show to absolve John Winchester of his guilt, of how much he failed as a father – it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. It could have been worse. Much worse. At this point in the show Dean is still completely dedicated to his father, and although Sam pushed back against him and thinks how they were raised “was jacked,” I don’t think he’s fully conceptualized it as “child abuse.” I don’t know if either of them really ever do. (Once they kill Chuck, they really need to go to therapy). What we do learn here is that John didn’t regularly beat them. And Sam is grateful for that. That’s a really low bar.

A moment that I feel like is worth commenting on is when Sam is talking with Max, trying to understand him and Max says, “When my Dad used to look at me, there was hate in his eyes. Do you know what that feels like?” and after a long pause, Sam answers “no.” I can’t tell whether Sam is lying here or not.

In my personal, very unprofessional, and uninformed, opinion, I think Sam is realizing that his relationship with his dad wasn’t That Bad ™ and so he doesn’t feel qualified to compare it to what Max is describing to him. (For instance, I have been Depressed ™ but when I had a friend who was officially diagnosed with Clinical Depression and started taking medication for it, I didn’t feel like my experience was bad enough to really compare and I started to think that maybe I had never really been depressed to begin with (news flash, although my experience was different I was still definitely depressed)). But that’s what I think Sam is feeling here. He had a bad childhood, he has a bad relationship with his father, and normally he’s not afraid of acknowledging that, but when faced with something that is bad on a whole different level, he suddenly feels like he doesn’t have a right to dislike his dad. Like he doesn’t have a right to be hurt by the way his dad treated him, because his dad never hurt him in this way.

I think he does know what it’s like to see hatred in his father’s eyes. But John never crossed that line so … it couldn’t have been abuse, right?

(Wrong)

   This episode also features an argument between Sam and Dean that we will revisit often throughout the course of the show: Kill the monster or give them a chance to be human?

Sam: … I was connecting to Max! The thing is I don't get why, man. I guess -- because we're so alike?

DEAN: What are you talking about. The dude's nothing like you.

SAM: Well. We both have psychic abilities, we both...

DEAN: Both what? Sam, Max is a monster, he's already killed two people, now he's gunning for a third.

SAM: Well, with what he went through, the beatings, to want revenge on those people? I'm sorry, man, I hate to say it, but it's not that insane.

DEAN: Yeah but it doesn't justify murdering your entire family!

SAM: Dean...

DEAN: He's no different from anything else we've hunted, all right? We gotta end him.

SAM: We're not going to kill Max.

DEAN: Then what? Hand him over to the cops and say 'Lock him up officer; he kills with the power of his mind.'

SAM: No way. Forget it.

DEAN: Sam...

SAM: Dean. He's a person. We can talk to him. Hey, promise me you'll follow my lead on this one.

DEAN:(After a long pause) All right fine. But I'm not letting him hurt anybody else. (takes Gun)

Something interesting that I’ve notice is, up to this point in the show, almost every monster they’ve faced has looked very inhuman. In later seasons we see more Vampires and Werewolves, monsters who look mostly human until they attack. The monsters the brothers have faced in season 1, even the reaper in “Faith,” don’t look like people. Even the demon they exorcised in “Phantom Traveler” didn’t act like the demons we meet later in the show – it didn’t talk much, and when it did it was with a monstrous voice. None of the monsters have been shown as sentient, conscious beings who can make decisions for themselves (with the exception of the Shapeshifter in “Skin” but he was so obviously creepy and messed up that any sympathy the audience felt for him was mixed with revulsion).

The point is, Max is the first “monster” we are introduced to who we understand to be fully human, capable of reasoning and understanding. Sam, with his deep empathy, sees himself in Max even before he knows they’re connected. He wants to help him. Dean, on the other hand, believes that evil deserves to be killed, and if something is killing people by Supernatural means – even if those killings are “justified” – then it’s his job to put a stop to it. This is something that the brothers never see eye-to-eye on, and it’s interesting to track how it affects the way they approach problems all throughout the series. (Including Jack who, sadly, Dean sees as a monster before he’s even been given a chance.)

 The last comment I wanted to make is just an observation of the different ways Dean tries to protect Sam. There are two points in this episode where Dean is forced to confront the reality that his little brother suddenly has psychic abilities:

Once, while driving:

DEAN: I don't know Sam but we'll figure it out. We've faced the unexplainable every day. This is just another thing.

SAM: No. It's never been us. It's never been in the family like this. Tell the truth, you can't tell me this doesn't freak you out.

DEAN: (After staring straight ahead for a long moment) This doesn’t freak me out. 

And again later, at the very end of the episode as they leave their motel room:

DEAN: I know what we need to do about your premonitions. I know where we have to go.

SAM: Where?

DEAN: (Deadpan) Vegas.

DEAN grins at SAM

DEAN: What? Come on man. Craps tables. We'd clean up!

DEAN follows SAM to the door and pauses on the threshold. He considers SAM, looking very thoughtful, then turns to pull the door closed.

In the first scene the audience (and honestly probably Sam) can clearly see that Dean is worried. But he won’t admit it. He knows Sam is scared of what’s happening to him, but it’s Dean’s job to protect his brother and he’s not going to make this any scarier than it needs to be. So he calls it “just another thing” and he tries to casually say that it doesn’t freak him out, even though it does.

Later, we see him joking about it. In a previous episode I made a comment about how I feel like Sam is bothered that Dean doesn’t seem to be taking this seriously, but in this episode, we see that the jokes are being used to mask his fear (in typical Dean Winchester fashion.) He is deeply worried about Sam’s powers, but he doesn’t want Sam to know. He doesn’t want Sam to worry. So he makes light of it, forces himself to laugh about it, all in an effort to protect Sam.

[spncanonbigbang]

Masterpost 2019

That’s a wrap on SPN Canon Big Bang 2019! You'll find the list of this year’s bangs below the cut.

Thank you to everyone who participated!

Enjoy, and see you in January 2020!

| 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020

Cleanse the Waters by li_izumi | art by ThePlaidFox

16,4; Teen and Up Audiences; Castiel/Dean Winchester

Castiel’s multitude of sins haunt him in ways all too human, but water cannot cleanse him when he is drowning in his own guilt. Over the years, he’s tried to ignore his fear–after all, no one needs a broken angel–but he keeps failing and needing to be saved by those he should be saving. If Castiel is ever to be absolved, he must overcome his fear and walk into the water alone.

It’s All In The Eyes by YokubouNoRain.  | art by Leafzelindor. 

5k; Teen and Up Audiences; Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester

When Sam took the Baozhu pearl on his hands, he didn’t realize what his truly wish was until that moment and Dean didn’t seem to be happy with Sam’s wish.

Heaven is a Place on Earth by kaianieves | art by pimentogirl

19,5k; Teen and Up Audiences; Charlie Bradbury/Jo Harvelle

Charlie Bradbury has been on the road for as long as she can remember, couch to couch and car to car. Parties, drinking- they’ve never been her favourite things, but they’ve been there. She’s never considered any place her home, though. Until she arrived at Harvelle’s Roadhouse. Until she met Jo.

how many years i’ve missed you by hanneswrites | art by deanirae

5,1k; Teen and Up Audiences; Gabriel/Sam Winchester, (unrequited) Becky Rosen/Sam Winchester

Sam has been in a relationship with Gabriel for almost two years now, so when Gabriel gets a call from Sam saying he’s getting married to someone other than himself, he’s rightfully pretty confused.

At Any Cost by klove0511​ | art by leafzelindor​

18,1k; Explicit; Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester

When Sam came back from Hell, he felt different. He couldn’t put his finger on what had changed, but the buzzing under his skin was definitely new. It didn’t matter, though. Whatever it was, Dean would help him figure it out. The only problem was that Dean is happily retired in Indiana with Lisa. He deserved that happiness; Sam should just let him have that, right?

A Brother’s Mission by Clowns_or_Midgets | art by Zolaliz

16,6k; Teen and Up Audiences; Gen

When Dean and Castiel disappear after killing Dick Roman, Sam knows it’s going to take sacrifice to get them back. After an appointment with Doctor Robert that is almost his last, he finds someone to help. In return for joining a fight against the King of Hell he can have twenty-four hours in Purgatory to find his brother and friend. It’s a straight swap, a chance, and Sam takes it. It’s what you do for family.

Angel Cuddles by noiproksa | art by love-nakamura

5,5k; Teen and Up Audiences; Castiel/Dean Winchester

Angels need a lot of physical contact, especially when in a human vessel. - Dean is determined to give Cas the ‘physical contact’ he requires. Cas is more than suspicious when suddenly, Dean starts touching him more and more.

Red and Gold by sarasaurussex | art by deanirae and pimentogirl

25,9k; Explicit; Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Crowley/Gabriel, Crowley/Gabriel/Sam Winchester, background Castiel/Dean Winchester

Back from the dead and acting strange, Gabriel finds himself in debt to Crowley. In order to free himself he must fulfill a contract by spying on the Winchesters, who are trying to shut the Gates of Hell. But after Sam catches Gabriel spying on him in the shower (naturally), the contract is voided and Gabriel finds himself enslaved to Crowley as payment. Sam figures out Gabriel’s deal with the devil and tries to help, but ends up caught up in it himself. Eventually, Sam and Crowley discover the cause of Gabriel’s strange behavior, and the unlikely trio of heroes and villains come together to save their favorite feathered frenemy from an even greater threat.

When In Lebanon by smalltrolven | art by winchesterchola

9,4k; Explicit; Sam Winchester/Dean Winchester

Sam has some unfinished business with the teddy bear from the Lebanon pawn shop. Since the pearl didn’t work on getting Michael out of Dean, maybe the bear can get the job done.

Angels with Dirty Faces by BurningWicker | art by Anyrei

18,8k; Mature; Gadreel/Sam Winchester, mentions of Dean/Cas

Sam finds a case just a handful of hours away from the bunker, doesn’t exactly lie to his brother, and takes off all on his own to investigate a pair of dead twins. He finds himself knee-deep in a mysterious set of coincidences including lottery wins, an amnesiac angel, and a bartender with a knowing smirk and a sweet tooth.

Mr. Blue Sky by anyrei & mugglerock | art by Huntress79

111k; Explicit; Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester/Eileen Leahy, Claire Novak/Kaia Nieves

The British Men of Letters had done a pretty thorough job ridding the world of monsters. With Sam already out of the life, living with Eileen in California, Dean and Cas are faced with a new predicament. What to do with the rest of their lives? 

Clearly the only logical option was to try out the apple pie life thing as two best friends, right?

Wrong Reality by AvalonSilver | art by Cross-Roads-Blues

20,2k; Teen and Up Audiences; Gen

With Sam near death following the failed Third Trial, Dean calls for Castiel to come. Castiel manages to heal Sam. Soon, they are faced with the consequences of Castiel’s actions. Sam and Dean are placed in another reality with seemingly simple instructions. Unfortunately, the brothers soon find out what they need to do to set things right is anything but simple. As Sam and Dean face down another apocalypse, they need to persuade this other reality’s Jimmy Novak to sacrifice himself. 

[mittensmorgul]

7.22, There Will Be Blood.

It took the monsters to crack into Purgatory, so it takes a monster to shove the bad things back... But there's some interesting things that happen along the way that also call back to s6-- like the girl pretending to be an innocent who all along was working for the Alpha Vampire, like the little monster boy Eve created as a trap for Sam and Dean in 6.19.

But for me, the most interesting thing in this episode is the strengthening of the parallel between Bobby's ghost and Cas in his current state. And really, they've been paralleled through the entire season. They both... died, first off. But then came back as either literal (Bobby) or metaphorical (Cas as Emmanuel with no memories) ghosts of themselves. But here's where it gets interesting. They both wanted to help, but were unable to get over their own issues blocking them from actually being effective...

in 7.19, Bobby confronts this and overcomes his fear that "materializing" to actually help will speed his progression toward "Vengeful" status, that participating actively-- the reason he fought to come back as a ghost in the first place-- would lead to him causing more harm than good, destroying himself and those he wanted to help and failing to actually accomplish the mission he returned for.

But in 7.17, we had Cas first confront all of his memories, feeling the guilt of responsibility for what has happened, and afraid and hopeless about being able to make it right. He was afraid to fully engage for fear of failing yet again, and in taking Sam's damage on himself, he did the one thing he could, even if it actively took him out of the game and still left fixing everything else on Sam and Dean's shoulders. It was how he accomplished the same objective Bobby subconsciously did before he fully engaged (which did eventually in this episode drive Bobby over the edge into Vengeful territory, where he lost control of himself and became single-minded in his revenge, running off by himself, hurting an innocent (the maid he possessed) and nearly destroying himself in the process).

Meanwhile, I'm gonna loop in the next episode to this post, because it really does function like a two-parter here...

7.23, Survival of the Fittest:

Because Cas bore witness to Bobby's decompensation, his fear of losing himself entirely, or worse-- potentially hurting the very people he'd sacrificed his eternity for. Yet Cas is still refusing to engage himself:

CASTIEL:  Now, you understand I don't participate in aggressive activity.

Despite his entire garrison having been killed (presumably by the Leviathans). It's just one more ton of guilt to heap onto Mt. Guiltmore. As long as he maintains his distance with "I don't fight anymore" and absolutely sticking to that, he doesn't have to accept the guilt.

DEAN: Hey! [He claps his hands.] Focus. Is Kevin alive? CASTIEL: I don't want to fight. DEAN: No, I'm not – [very calmly] we're worried. CASTIEL: They took him. He's alive. I felt such responsibility, but it's in your hands now. DEAN: Wait. Hold on a freakin' minute. CASTIEL: I feel much better.

Yeah, he feels much better, because he's able to absolve himself of responsibility for any of it without having to actually DO anything himself. But Sam and Dean quickly learn they have zero hope of getting Dick without Cas there to point out the "Real Dick" amongst all the copies. They DO find Bobby, gone completely vengeful and trying to break into Sucrocorp on his own... Cas is becoming more and more obvious about what his true issue is:

DEAN: Hey, shifty, what's your problem? CASTIEL: Do we need a cat? Doesn't this place feel one species short? DEAN: You got anything to say on the topic of Dicks? Crowley was pretty sure that you could help. CASTIEL: I can't help. You understand? I can't. I destroyed... everything, and I will destroy everything again. Can we please just leave it at that? DEAN: No. [He gets up.] No, we can't.

AVOID AVOID AVOID! And here's why. He refuses to help, has disconnected from reality and is hiding in the remnants of Sam's burned soul bits entirely out of FEAR that anything he does will result in more of the same...

Because Bobby couldn't fight it, going vengeful, because that's the inherent nature of ghosts. And poor Cas is at a point where he believes his "inherent nature" is cosmic-level failure.

SAM: Bobby. We didn't know if you’d, uh – BOBBY: Well, you should've. You got the flask. Dumb. You should've burned it right off. DEAN: Bobby – BOBBY: I'm still jonesing to go back... grab some poor bastard, kamikaze 'em going after Dick. It's bad.

But at least Dean knows one thing Cas can do to help without having to fight-- he can take Dean to where Baby has been hidden since the beginning of the season:

CASTIEL: If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct? DEAN: I don't know. I guess. CASTIEL: And at best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake. Or... I don't die – I'm brought back again. I see now. It's a punishment resurrection. It's worse every time. DEAN: I'm sorry. Uh, we're talking about God crap, right? CASTIEL: I'm not good luck, Dean. DEAN: Yeah, but you know what? Bottom of the ninth, and you're the only guy left on the bench... Sorry, but I'd rather have you, cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, all right? We're all cursed. I seem like good luck to you? [CASTIEL stares at DEAN.] What? CASTIEL: Well, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness. DEAN: Yeah, well, I'm probably gonna die tomorrow, so... CASTIEL: Well, I'll go with you. And I'll do my best.

So at the end of the day, Cas accepts they only have one chance to get Dick, and that regardless of if he helps or not, Sam and Dean will willingly face death to clean up the mess he feels responsible for in the first place. The least he can do is go with... but what truly convinces him it's worth risking isn't Dean's lil pep talk. It's what he'd been hoping for since he first tried to fix his mistake in 7.01 and what Dean himself told "Emmanuel" in 7.17 that he still couldn't muster for Cas... Dean's forgiveness. Without that, there was no point. This was step one to rebuilding their relationship, and the thing that pulled Cas back toward reality. He finally had something worth risking himself for. It was no longer a hopeless mission to believe that he might one day be able to make up for his betrayal.

The last few interesting things I want to mention here, since this is already a disasterpost, is the oddly redundant way Dean and Cas killed Dick:

DEAN: Oh, you don't think this'll work, do you? You trust that demon? DICK ROMAN: You sure I'm even me, Dean? DEAN: No. But he is. [DICK ROMAN looks at CASTIEL.] See, here's the thing when dealing with Crowley – he will always find a way to bone you. DICK ROMAN: This meeting's over. CASTIEL moves towards DICK ROMAN, but DICK ROMAN grabs him and flings him into a wall. DEAN plunges the bone into DICK ROMAN’s chest. DICK ROMAN gasps, but then pulls the bone out and snaps it in two. DICK ROMAN: Did you really think you could trump me? DEAN: Honestly? [He takes another bone out of his jacket.] No. CASTIEL pulls DICK ROMAN’s head back. DEAN plunges the bone sideways through DICK ROMAN’s neck. DICK ROMAN yells. SAM and KEVIN run into the room. DICK ROMAN continues to yell and gurgle. DEAN: Figured we'd have to catch you off guard. DICK ROMAN’s face transforms into the Leviathan enormous mouth with long pointed teeth and a protruding tongue. He roars briefly before his face returns to normal. He grunts and black goo starts to run from his nose. Waves of energy begin to pulsate from his body in time with a loud, accelerating heartbeat. The energy then appears to concentrate back in his body. SAM flings up an arm to cover his face and KEVIN as DICK ROMAN explodes into black goo.

Like... what even was the point of having two bones? First the "fake" and then the real bone? I mean, Dean didn't have a problem stabbing that first bone into Dick's chest, after all... did he really need the bluff? Was it just for the sake of Drama™? Eh, whatever, it gave us one of the best Cas Faces of all time, so it's worth it, whatever the reason.

CROWLEY: Not to worry. I have a small army of demons outside. Cut off the head, and the body will flounder, after all. Think if you'd had just one king since before the first sunrise. You'd be in a kerfuffle, too. SAM: Which is exactly what you wanted. CROWLEY: So did you. Without a master plan, the Levis are just another monster. Hard to stomp, sure, but you love a challenge. Your job is to keep them from organizing.

Spoiler alert: Sam's about to run away from this job just as fast as cas ran away from fighting...

CROWLEY: That bone... has a bit of a kick. God weapons often do. They should put a warning on the box.

Yeah, God weapons always suck... see the Hammurabi in 14.20 for proof.

But this all sets the stage for the issues that Cas will be dealing with up to the current point in canon after 14.20. It sets the stage for Sam and Dean’s respective struggles throughout Carver era that they finally begin to address in more healthy ways in Dabb era. But all of it is built on guilt, how they each choose to deal with it, and tearing down the barriers they put up to avoid facing themselves truly.

[weekendwritingmarathon]

This weekly roundup includes fics written (at least in part) during the 1k1h sprints and/or the Weekend Writing Marathon events.

Fics are ordered first by fandom, then by word count from smallest to largest.

***

The Avengers Talent Show by @pherryt

marvel || winterhawk (Clint/Bucky) || Explicit || No major warnings apply || 6,929 words || Complete

Summary: Bucky can't believe the Avengers are putting on a talent show, but if you ask him, Clint is the main attraction...

Other tags: Dancing, Singing, talent show, deaf!Clint, Smut, Light Angst, Bottom!Bucky, top!Clint, implied future switching, Panties, Pining, Hurt/Comfort

***

When Once We Thought Ourselves Broken by @pherryt

marvel || winterhawk (Clint Barton/Bucky Barnes), side sam/steve || General || No major warnings apply || 10,084 || Complete

Summary: Clint's soulmate mark had never worked right, blinking on and off since the day he'd been born. Bucky was broken in more ways than most people knew, except maybe Steve, even before he'd headed off to war and HYDRA had gotten their hands on him. Everything finally makes sense when they come together.

Other tags: Soulmates, Ace!Bucky, post winter soldier, Canon Divergent, mute!bucky, partially mute bucky, deaf!Clint, Soulmate marks, Panic Attacks, Low Self Esteem, First Kiss, hurt!Clint, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, Hawk, wolf, alternating pov

***

Every Monster That Sleeps Inside You (Chapter 2) by Treefrogie84

Supernatural || destiel, drowley, dean x cas x crowley || Mature || Graphic Descriptions of Violence || 3,391 words || WIP

Summary: Attempting the trials to close Hell lets loose something far worse than the occasional crossroads demon or Dean’s second favorite drinking buddy. Heaven wants all the tablets they can get their hands on, Abaddon wants to destroy everything in favor of utter chaos in Hell as well as on Earth, and somehow, Sam and Dean have to stop all of it. Except stopping Abaddon might take more from Dean than he can afford to give. A Mark of Cain fix-it starting at 8.12 As Time Goes By.

Other tags: canon-typical violence, canon divergent, mark of cain, demon!Dean, season 9 fix-it, season 10 fix-it, Carver era rewrite

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Cleanse the Waters by @li-izumi

Supernatural || Castiel/Dean Winchester (pre-slash) || Teen & up || No major warnings apply || 16,416 words || Complete

Summary: Castiel’s multitude of sins haunt him in ways all too human, but water cannot cleanse him when he is drowning in his own guilt. Over the years, he’s tried to ignore his fear--after all, no one needs a broken angel--but he keeps failing and needing to be saved by those he should be saving. If Castiel is ever to be absolved, he must overcome his fear and walk into the water alone.

Other tags: Coda, Hurt/Comfort, Outsider POV, Aquaphobia, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Because Canon, Temporary Major Character Death, Dean’s man pain, dramatic use of dramatic irony, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Big Bang Challenge, Episode: s07e02 Hello Cruel World, Episode: s07e17 The Born-Again Identity, Episode: s09e03 I’m no Angel, Episode: s09e06 Heaven Can’t Wait, Episode: s09x10 Road Trip, Episode: s10e21 Dark Dynasty, Episode: s11e18 Hell’s Angel, Episode: s13x04 The Big Empty

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[mykkymcg]

Absence

It was inevitable that Mary would die, she clearly belonged dead. I was originally so not here for Mary getting an abrupt exit but that episode was well above my expectations and I am won over.

I think they handled Dean’s reactions exactly in character. He’s irrationally angry and lashing out at the people around him to start (as always, he has a tendency to be cruel when he’s having ~feelings~). Sam (having much practice) waits him out, referees his interactions. Dean is poster boy Denial and Anger, and is so intent on things staying the way they are that he threatens Cas (and his evidence of a potentially awful reality) as though that can prevent the bad reality from being what it is.

Dean then leaps into Any-Action-Is-Better-Than-Acceptance-And-Facing-My-Feelings-Mode and is gung-ho to bring mom back without thinking it through very well. He will strike whatever bargain he needs to to set it right. Sam (having much practice) clearly has his doubts but knows it’s still too soon to turn the tide of Dean and just supports him instead..

When he’s a little less irrational Sam reminds him they all always knew that Jack might be a danger, and they all share some responsibility and puts himself on the chopping block of guilt. Dean has to find a way to absolve Sam (must protect baby brother from bad) and he doesn’t double down on Cas but comes around to the fact that they all had been given cause for concern and had avoided it.

I think Jack’s reactions here were spot on also. We can debate whether he’s soulless or not and honestly I’m just here to see where they take it. But in this episode: freaking out then trying to fix it like it never happened is such a human, in particular childlike, thing to do and it was heartbreaking to watch him panic and be afraid to admit he made a terrible mistake and have to face the consequences. His fear of their judgement isn’t unique to their situation, any child (or person for that matter) who knows they royally f*ed up has that apprehension about their parent’s (or whoever it is they love’s) disappointment, that fear of being rejected even temporarily. He’s also so young! Too young to know that broken trust needs time, effort, and consistency but can be rebuilt. He thinks you only get 1 chance. Sam and Dean have both had to rebuild that trust with each other multiple times. Jack just doesn’t know that that’s an option yet and he’s trying to mentally prepare himself for being rejected and alone.

Jared was great in this ep. Sam’s truly additive guilt and sorrow from this season were showing. As well as his ability to be sad about Mary being gone but also accept that she is, and let her rest. The way Sam’s processing happened in parallel to Dean’s was subtle but delightful to watch.

Also Hallucifer was always my favourite Lucifer so I’m not even mad about Nick/Lucifer sticking around. If he turns out to be Lucifer reaching out from the Empty though...

[castielcommunism]

yes supernatural is premised on like, giving the audience (imagined exclusively as white middle class cishet men) the permission to indulge in the fantasy of killing people who are different from you. dean and sam don’t live in a suburban neighbourhood to protect, so they protect Suburbia At Large by being wandering vigilantes, which is where the show’s right wing libertarianism intersects with the more fascist elements of the show. it’s a crucial part of spn that sam and dean aren’t cops, but they are draped in the same violent authority as the police, that authority is just one they bestow upon themselves. 

it also provides a recurring incentive and punishment structure - their lives are difficult (but crucially not in an economic capacity because poverty is untenable to white american masculinity) as penance for doing the thing they shouldn’t want to be doing in the first place, absolving the audience of any guilt for empathising with that fantasy. they HAVE to kill people and do all this other bad stuff, but it’s okay because they will be punished for it after. and, like you said, they look very cool while doing it.

someone sent me an ask about something completely different and somehow i ended up thinking about the mindwipe again. sigh. anyway the mindwipe (and dean's relationship with lisa in general) is like. a great example of spn being the Men Having No Choice show. like dean invents danger to make it so that he has no choice other than to harm ben and lisa. when he talks about the mindwipe one episode later, he says that he "lost" them, totally removing his own agency from the equation. he is absolved totally of all wrongdoing because he had no choice. (obviously, he did have a choice, he wasn't even really under all that much external pressure, but for his own sanity he needs to believe he had no choice). but like that's the whole premise of the show, isn't it. we do these bad things because we have to. we have no choice. we don't enjoy it. we have no choice. we aren't benefiting. we have no choice. we have no choice. we have no choice.